When I was in primary school, I had this dream of going to an elite boarding school which was so different then the rest. True enough, I got into KYS.
When I was in high school, I already had ideas of what I want to be. It balled down into two options. Either I utilize my talents and become a performer on stage - be it acting, singing, dancing - or I use my not so clever brain and go into medical school.
You see, my mum wasn't too keen on me doing arts because let's face it, my artsy talents aren't that great and performing arts in Msia isn't really something stable then. (reminiscing those times asthough I'm 100 years old. PFFTTT) I only had two choices to begin with anyway. MEDICAL SCHOOL IT IS!
Now, all I have to do is do well in SPM, wow some sponsoring body to give some $$ so I can do medicine without running my parents dry. I did rob their bank vault when I went to Australia for a luxurious foundation program but Alhamdulillah, during that time our 'rezeki' tengah murah. =)
But, I'm digressing. Coming back, I applied to 3 indonesian medical universities, one in India and of course IMU.
Which stops me from recalling those white coat ceremony, medical oath, and all that niceties. reality check, after all those glamorous miliseconds, here I am thinking about whether I'm really cut out to be a doctor. Since starting clinical school, you catch glimpses of what the real world is. They try and prepare you for the real thing. The shiznit. I mean it when I say shiznit. because there is nothing glamorous about it. Nothing that noble about it - unless a few dedicated doctors, medicine is, believe it or not, very political. It all comes down to whether you really want to do it or not!
For me, since young, I've always fulfilled my dream. I was so into medical school that when I finally arrived, I lose aim. You're in medical school now, Elisha You got your wish. What now?
A lot, and I mean A LOT, of medical students started out clueless but most - later - had their feet back on the ground and get serious because that is the only thing that they can think about.
study. hospital. on call. study. study. don't shit, no time to shit. hospital. clinic. study.
After awhile, it get's tiring. The routine. The long hours - not considering the fact that we haven't even started working yet. If you ask me, when something is 'required' to do it takes the fun out of doing it. Unfortunately, people like me, who have other ideas that doesn't involve medicine indulge in their guilty pleasures. TV shows, baking, facebook, twitter, tumblr, knitting, dancing, singing. Blogging *cough* I can go on....
We imagine a life other than being a doctor. We're not star students. Average, sometimes above average, sometimes, scraping through with a pass. On rare occasions, we fail. (not that rare to me, sigh) Suddenly, the whats if's and the doubt creep into your mind and for awhile - or a very long time - you just don't see yourself doing anything at all. Especially not a doctor. You see yourself in designer clothes, with a latte in your hand, walking down the streets of LA to God know's where. You see yourself in a different country/place with better weather. You're human. We just want what we don't have I guess.
I was talking to Jimmy and he has been rambling about not wanting to do medicine anymore. another friend who is abroad said this:
"Entah lah. I am losing faith in medicine. The days when medicine was a noble, humane profession is long gone, I think.
And I don't see myself happy or content with a career in medicine.
At the end of the day, being a doctor has become just like any other job, don't you think?
With the downside of having to sacrifice so, so much.
But to what extent?
You give so much of yourself, your life. But for what? To help people? To make others happy? But who is going to make you happy? How many doctors are truly happy with their jobs?
I'm ranting. But I'm struggling with all these questions at the moment."
Now, kids. I know what we're saying is downright negative. Especially to the young medical students. I'm still a newbie mind you but i'm more that half way there. I have less that 2 years to go. *gulp*
So we have doubts. We question our worth. We go about aimless.
For me, I'm flailing now. I reached my goal but, there will always be a rainbow after a storm.
'The good thing about having dreams is, once your dream comes true, you get to have another dream. A new dream' - the gist of what Flynn Ryder from Tangled: Rapunzel said.
It's true right to the bone!!!
I may seem like I'm bringing your spirits down but truthfully, I'm not telling you what to do. I'm merely telling the woes of a medical student(s). Those who are experiencing it at this very second! So you get a real testimony about what life as a medical student is really about.
So heed my word when I tell you to really think it through before you go into this field. As for me, it's a phase. I'll jump right back on the wagon once I set a 'shell' of a plan. Not too solid because we don't know what's gonna happen in the future. My new dream is set to becoming a paediatrician. between surgery and medicine, I'd choose surgery. With that, I'll have a new motivation. My artsy side, I can always do them at the side. Take courses etc. Remember, life is not just about one thing that you choose. You have many choices. Once you choose, doesn't mean you have to stick to that one thing. WING IT! Be more liberal in your choices of life. As long as you like what you're doing. Whatever floats your boat.
If you found something better to do that wont make life as miserable as medicine, then GO AHEAD! Pick that one. Rather than getting a degree and not knowing what to do about it later. Come on, being a doctor wont earn you that much - unless you go private. I disagree when someone thinks it's too early to find your passion. You should have one now. Go get inspired by something, someone, anything! When you're older don't look back and say 'Motherfucker, I should've done this. I really should've gone there.' That's the worst thing that can happen to you. Regret. You'll end up in resentment. Hating your job.
If you choose to stay, well, good for you. You stand your ground. Make sure it's not out of guilt or force or something similar. No point coaxing yourself into thinking that 'yes, you did the right thing' when you know you didn't. If you still want to do medicine, make the most out of your life. Work hard but have some balance. If you're the bookish type, you wont have problems in exams so socialize more because being a doctor, your communication skills must be at par with your intelligence. You gotta dig the secrets out of your patient!!. Don't be afraid to voice things out if you see something you don't understand or agree on. Be aware of what is going to happen to you once you graduate. Don't wait till you reach the bridge to cross it. Prepare yourself. At least have rough ideas. Berangan la sikit if it helps you cope with the ups and downs of things. Tak apa. In no time, you'll be in a hospital/clinic whistling to work and still smile coming home.
This has turned into a rather lengthy piece of BS. I don't even know who I'm writing this to. It's just something that I know a medical student will feel at some point in their university life. You're not alone.... Never alone...
xoxo
Eli
1:00 AM
'You're in medical school now, Elisha You got your wish. What now?' - the exact line of thought hit me in second year. So, so true. Good blog! Should aggressively advertise it so that it would reach a larger audience!
1:13 AM
i don't think its full of bs, if anything, it's interesting. well, at least for me because being a medical student myself, i could totally relate to whatever you're saying. it's almost like you read my mind and blog about it. heh. i loved it :)
2:30 AM
Beautiful blog homie! Didnt know this was what u were mugging on earlier. Anyway,its a fact every other medical student would and can relate to...as of now, all i tell myself is i can have as many dreams i want but for now no dreams can compare to the reality i have coz im already more than half way through and i just need to survive the rest of this path...with hopes that i will somehow, along the way learn how to survive the future...
7:27 AM
It's a phase all medical students go through... If you can put a helpless dragonfly in your mouth... You can pull through anything ok...
7:47 AM
omg blisha i soooo am goin thru this phase. i sooo feeel youuu. i keep on askin myself "are u for real wahidah?" hahaha. its good to know that im not alone. =)
11:48 AM
I agree with anonymous. HazelnutFiend, correct me if I'm wrong, but you went through that phase too, and I remember lending my ears and sharing my own insecurities about the future.
Also, two of my ex-bfs are med students (the most recent one, as you know LOL) and believe me when I say they find themselves doubting their choices and path many a times too. They get really stressed and disheartened, and have considered taking the easy way out. But nothing in life is easy.
Though I agree with you that one should pursue their true passions, I also believe that there's a reason you made the alternative choices in the first place. Maybe you were meant to meet some people along the way, do certain things before finding your passion which of course, may lead to you knowing exactly what you want to do with your life.
I think I'm concentrating on the wrong major too, but I still think I was meant to choose what I chose. I still pray that I find out what exactly I wanna spend my life doing, everyday. And we gotta be proactive in searching for that, but also earnestly doing whatever we're doing, because God rewards us when we least expect it:)
Hang on in there. You'll be a superstar wherever you go and whatever you end up doing. Believe me!
1:52 PM
Wow I never expected that many reads! Took me by surprise. To friends, I'm with you all the way if you need me. WE're in this together. Whatever course you're doing. And anonymous, you must be a family member because not a lot of my friends know about the dragonfly... teehee. Thank you for the support guys.