Ah it's the time of year again. Where it's okay for girls and boys to dress up. Unfortunately, I have exams next week and finals in 3 weeks. So when everybody goes for 'trick or treat'-ing, i'm going to stay at home. Argh! But mum found some stuff that they had last year. Devil stuff. Here's a preview.
I was so caught up in watching some of my tv shows while studying that i didn't realize it was already dawn. I slept close to 7am. I thought that i could wake up by noon at least. Little did i know i was going to wake up at 4PM!! Imagine how frustrated i was. I got up with my stomach grumbling. I quickly took a shower and got dressed. I was annoyed at how i wasted the day away. I was soangry with myself. Imagine the amount of studying i could've done if i were to have woken up at noon??? Argh! well it is all in the past now. I came down searching for food. Fuel for my body and brain so that i can study. I went to the kitchen and i found......
Before I fall too fast
Kiss me quick
But make it last
So i can see how badly this will hurt me
When you say good bye
Keep it sweet
Keep it slow
Let the future pass
And dont let go
But tonight i could fall to soon into this beautiful moonlight
But your so hypnotising
You got me laughing while i sing
You got me similing in my sleep
And I can see this unravling
And your love is where im falling
But please dont catch me
See this heart
Wont settle down
Like a child running scared from a clown
l'm terrified of what you'll do
my stomach screams just when I look at you
Run far away
So I can breath
Even though your far from suffocating me
I can't set my hopes to high
Cuz every hello ends with a goodbye
But your so hypnotising
You've got me laughing while I sing
You've got me smiling in my sleep
And I can see this unravling
Your love is where im falling
But please dont catch me
So now you see
Why I'm scared
I cant open up my heart without a care
But here i go
Its what i feel
But for the first time in my life i know its real
But you're so hypnotising
You've got me laghing while I sing
You've get me smiling in my sleep
And i can see this unravling
And your love is where im falling
So please don't catch me
And if this is love
Please don't break me
I'm giving up
So just catch me
*Listen to the song in youtube. It's a really great song. I love the melody too. I've been listening to the song the entire time while studying. This is going to be the next song I wanna sing. I'll record it. And post it up. teehee
My in-course assessment is in 5 days. i haven't finished studying and i have loads more to do. help. Okay can't blog much right now but when i do have the spare time, probably when i'm too nervous i'll drop by a couple of words. Not that anyone reads this anyway. any studying tips?
I have never cared much if i was the center of a guy's attention, nor do i feel hurt when the male race prefer me to my dear sisters. I have to admit. I never really care much about my beauty externally and how i show it to the world. I like dressing up to lok good for myself so that i can feel good. And come on, have you guys seen my sisters? One is petite and the other is slender. How the hell do i compete with that?? Well i don't just to make things easier and less complicated. So i got used to having them get whistled at so much that when somebody actually does that to me i'd have the WHAT?-YOU-TALKING-TO-ME?? face. haaahha. Or i'd simply stare back asthough thinking they saw me wrongly.
I started reading mangas only during my post-high-school years. And i have to admit it. At first I thought it was kinda lame. So I watched anime instead. A certain someone introduced me too the world of anime's and mangas. All the fictional characters with various personalities and the never-ending drool-worth men and nosebleeds-causing girls.
Yes, it's the best Japanese creation i have ever appreciated. Screw the technology. It's the manga that all of us want. Trust me. Once you've started reading one, you'll want to move on to the next one. It's a joy to have some cartoonist who dedicate themselves to one story for years so we have more time to get a better plot - unless it dies off due to boredom.
Let's take Naruto and One Piece for example. please search for them in google and you'll probably immerse yourself with ninja's and pirate's stories. But the downside of it is when you have to wait for the next update to come up. Bear in mind that cartoonists themselves need time off and take their time to give us viewing pleasure. And they are Japanese so unless you are proficient in Japanese (katakana/hiragana) i think you'd have to wait for those manga fans to scan, edit, and translate for you. Ah... Bless this people. They make my life happier.
But now, I am reading the shoujo type of manga. Shoujo literally means 'girl' so i guess it's those type of plot that would appeal to girls more. Like romantic comedies and drama's. I am especially in love with any high school era and yes i look at the way the character is drawn. the hero and the heroine. If they don't appeal to me, the story becomes dull. This is a typical picture of the heroes and heroines that i would love to read about.
Yes. at times it's sad to see how they sex up the girls. But the men.... Oh wow..... I'm obsessed with The first picture. *google Ouran High School Host Club* There are 5 other men with similar handsomeness. and one girl looking like a guy. The second picture if u have the time to scroll through my previous entries, i have talked about him in the past. In Aishiteruze Baby. The girls.... well, they are girls. I have little interest in them whatsoever. So i'll let you male readers wander in your minds and imaginations.
So ladies, and gentlemen. I have little time to talk about the one's that i'm obsessed with. So Next time, we shall meet again and talk in detail. Till then. if ur curious. simply go to onemanga.com and help yourselves.
Ah. I have always indulged myself in fantasies and daydreaming.
Pixies and Fairies, Wings and Magic Dust.
Wands and Potions, Elves and Dwarves.
I would listen to appropriate songs to get myself in the mood.
While reading books and imagine how each detailed event is progressing.
This is not a delusion nor is it a hallucination.
This is just a fragment of my mind that longs to have all the worldly desires and happiness that we create fictional characters to fulfill it.
I am very well aware of the reality hence this would go too far as to clinically call me a loony.
No, that is not the case.
But at times, the mind can play tricks on you if ur stressed, emotionally unstable, and tired.
So I'm going to recall a story that happened to me early this morning at about 4am.
I was hungry. I was trying to study and watch a cartoon at the same time. So naturally my tummy got the better of me and rumbled like crazy. I was thinking of going down to the kitchen and make myself some nice.... KOKO KRUNCH CEREAL MEAL!!!! With milk of course. The house was already dark and i was already swaying because of my sleepiness. (mind you, i slept for less than four hours - 8am to 12pm) I crossed the upstairs hall to get to the other side of the house, where the kitchen is. Minding my own business, i went slowly in order to prevent myself from tripping at the stairs. I stood at the doorway of my kitchen and waited for my eyes to get adjusted to the darkness. In the fraction of a nanomilisecond where my hand outstretches to switch the kitchen light on, i saw a dark figure about a knee's height that zoomed across the other doorway to the wet kitchen. if you can imagine, The first WOODEN door to enter the dry kitchen, and about 8m after that, a GLASS sliding door to enter the wet kitchen. I saw the figure zoom from the right side to the left. It was all so sudden that i was taken aback. I switched on the lights and just stood there staring at the now empty spot. There was no way i would investigate. Nor had i have the guts to call anybody. I just stood there. Recalling was i saw. The fraction of the time was like a playback on repeat mode. The hair on the back of my neck stood and my heartbeat was really strong that it hurt. My heart rate wasnt fast, asthough i ran a marathon, it was just a slight increase but the throbbing was massive! I back tracked my steps to see if my movements caused some reflection to the glass door but there wasnt any. Not at that height. I was afraid to me bones that i walked quickly to the other side of the living room and up the other flight of stairs. Halfway there, the sound of my uncle's loud grunt/snore - who was sleeping in the small room downstairs - made me jump. With my appetite and drowsiness gone, I jumped on my bed and recited the ayat Qursi 3 times.
In the morning, I assumed that it was a stray cat. But all my windows are closed. If it was Megan my cat, she has a bell around her neck. Any quick movement like that would've caused a tinkling sound. I'm out of shock now. But it remains a mystery.
What do you think?
Ever thought that life has been so mundane lately that anything even remotely fun can be the highlight of your week? The usually-unimportant-gossip turns out to be the event of ur day! I had that feeling since i have exams and i have to study hence, the gradual degradation of my social life. Not that it mattered so much to me but a little fun would help me get through the tough times. Thats why I bought Beyonce's concert ticket. But that got canceled/postponed. Bahhh!!
And so this one fateful day, D came to me and handed me an invite. Just look at it yourself::
It has been two days since i heard that news. when my cousin texted me about a rumor my heart bit so fast that i could feel it drumming against my ribcage. I couldn't believe it. I didnt want to believe it. There was no way this was happening to me. I had put my heart and soul into it yet my dreams were smashed like bugs on a windshield.
numerous places, i went to, to find the truth. To know the truth. It was still fresh the news. Not even entirely out yet. But i just had to find out. and there it was. The update that gave me the news. I wasnt entirely bad but i knew that something worse was going to come up sooner or later so i was already thinking of the worst!
When i saw it, my knee shook. despite the fact that i was already sitting didn't make it feel any better. I was no longer shock. I was depressed beyond measure. Sad beyond words. It took every ounce that i had to stand up straight, to make it look asthough i wasn't affected by that heart shattering piece of news.
My eyes were searching for some loopholes in it. Anything to tell me that this was a joke. It wouldve been a very extremely bad joke. I steadied myself with my hands and realized that they were trembling. It wasnt out of anger it was out of disbelief! I couldnt believe my bad luck. Such ROTTEN luck!!!
My vision blurred, but my eyes werent wet with tears. I head swayed and i realized i felt dizzy. Asthough experiencing an out of body event, i could hear my breathing getting faster and faster. The light in the room dimmed. Nobody was there to switch of the lights. I closed my mouth with my quivering hand to calm myself. I held onto my aching chest to ease the pain. I tried reasoning in my mind to cushion the blow. Nothing worked.
I gropped around for somebody, anybody that i could hold on to. I was alone. No one was there to save me. I straight away waited for UK to come grab me. But he had other obligations to deal with and i wasnt his priority then. I just sat there staring at the page. Rereading the article. It cant be.
Beyonce postponed her I am... Live concert in KL to future dates. that will be announced shortly.
My ass....! I'm already expecting her to cancel the show entirely now. I'm not going to wait anymore. There is no more hope. Beyonce, If you happen to read this. Please now that you did this to us. We dont care if you are in your tshirt and jeans. Ur still sasha fierce. But you failed us.
As my life drained out of me slowly while i accept the news.... Just then... UK knocked on the window. He's back. Life is back to being bright again.
Finally in my own bed having my oh so precious alone time. somebody once said to me that i dont spend time with myself 'cause i'm always busy doing things for other people. i don't think its such a bad think. makes me think that im not so selfish and i love helping people. but a solitary life is just what i need to escape all the family drama and such. mind you, i love my family but not everyone can please you.
anyway, i had a great weekend. i did some studying and watched movies and spent quality time with UK. Bliss~ today, i realized how inquisitive he is. very intelligent. knowledgeable. always wanting to know about how things work and what this is or what that is. He was showing me a list of recent movies that he downloada and some of them are... DISCOVERY channel documentations. or NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC. AAHHH such an adorable nerd! i love him!
one of the documentation was about the death of the earth. showing how mega natural disasters are coming sooo close and these events can sweep off humanity by the ass! i only watch the first five minutes. you know, the one where they try and give you the intro and summary on what was going to be talked about?? yea.. that one. i got depressed. Im afraid of it. of course i am. i have my beliefs and such. so i asked him. ''when you watch all this, you still don't believe and God? or any other form higher power to say the least?" he said NO. told me that it's all a cycle and yada yada yada. i tuned out because i couldn't take it. I dont know......
It's not that i wasn't aware of our differences just that it shows that when the world does come to an end. everything here on earth wont matter anymore. I know where we muslims will end up. i've sinned i'm pretty sure where i'm ending up in hell first but for him? he doesn't believe in it. He thinks logically and it made me cry. I'm more scared FOR him than i am for myself. I have my faith still embedded in me so i can still reach salvation in time. but him? He still needs to have faith. I'm not forcing im just afraid and sad. and i really hope the best for him. I'd like to think that wherever he is, no matter if we're together or not. when it all ends. all my loved ones have a safe place for them in the after life. If u happen to be an atheist, please, this entry is not me trying to preach. it's just my opinion and my thoughts. Carrying on, he was curious as to why i was crying. He told me that i'll have my family then and he will be with me. I don't know what to say. I can still cry thinking of these things. but i have to live my life as it is now. i cant worry too much about the future that i don't know of.
Closing the entry, i still had a great time with family and UK. I love all of them very much. allthough i didn't get a chance to see dean this week. i miss her. she;s having fun with her afs friends............. cant wait for beyonce. so i gotta study!!
Love you.
i know if u are to read jasmin anis's e-journal, you will find a more accurate explanation of what had happened to her this afternoon. This is an exaggerated version of it. Mind you, she is here with me in the house but they have all gone out to fulfil their tummies as take my rest after a loong study session with Baby. hee~
"I was walking along the walkway to my house. i cant believe my convo will be this coming monday. forget the fact that it was late due months! i actually have a diploma now!! thinking back all the things that i have gone through with my friends. even my family is here in KL. This is going to be a great weekend. there i go... walking, minding my own business. appreciating the beautiful scenery around my house, thinking about meeting my parents later, and breathing in the fresh air. AHHH life is sooo good.
i was already near the corner to my house when i saw a man standing on my porch. he wasnt standing erect asthough waiting. he was semi-crouched and his hands were shaking/pulling the enormous lock at the steel grill. i slowed my pace and eyed him but making sure that my footsteps were heard. if i startled him, he might run away. so i approached him.
abang cari siapa?
err.. abg cari... err.. orang nama rosli... rosli! rosli!!! ROSLI!!
eh eh... mana ada orang nama rosli kat dalam rumah ni... semua perempuan la. saya tau!
Rosli!! ish... dia kata dia tinggal mangga tak kunci. ni kunci..... (he took out a knife to pick the lock... )
EH!! dia tak kasi abg kunci ke? rosak mangga tu nanti!! (eyed the pisau)
Alah.... ROSLI!!!
TAKDE ORANG NAMA ROSLI LA!
'' he suddenly changed his nody posture to face me. the knife in his hands pointing at me. it wasnt particularly sharp, it was jagged at egdes asthough used to cut hard surfaces and objects. i took a step back... cold sweat started to break through my creased forehead.
eh apa abg buat ni? abg salah rumah je kot....
He looked at his knife and took a step closer to me. and i instinctively retreated a step. this is crazy. no way in hell this is happening to me. my knee shook but i put on a brave front. this was a friendly neighborhood and i knew my neighbors. its almost time for the office ppl to come home. cars will swarm the alleys and roads in just minutes. i just have to spare some time.... think J. think! Then, he slowly raised the knife towards my head and smiled a sick evilish smile and withdrew the knife from me and put it for safekeeping in the waistband of his jeans. i nervously smiled at him and he said softly as he walked away.... selamat hari raya...
I took out my mobile phone in attempt to get a picture of him so that i could report to the police but unfoortunately, out of all times, my phone's battery was dead. ridiculous!!! i opened the door to my house and immediately called my housemates. not a good start for a weekend after all"
Thank you. i know im jobless...
*events are entirely fictional although some parts are based on a true story.
You know what's funny? the fact that after the thousands and thousands of words that i put on this blog to express myself, i dont mind if nobody reads it.
But now.... i have one follower. and made the world a whole lot brighter place.
thank you. teehee~
I've been looking at the calender and i realized that my freaking exam is in less than a month. i'm gonna shit in pant now. please excuse me.
So please my dear friends, readers, and socialites. mark me off ur calender till november 30th. i have to study like crazy. well except for the beyonce concert. here i come. till u come i will study as much as i can and beat imu exam centre's ass! hah!!
okay bye.
Ah... its that time of the year again. where you have to force your heaty ass to sit on that hard, wooden chair just so that you can get some studying done. well, for us medical students its suppose to be constant. but knowing elisha fadhilah khalid... the known procrastinator, she waits till its only a month and a half to do all systems at one go. for once i wont fail. i will do my best.
This entry isnt much about studying. I got bored of it. i watched Penelope. The girl who was cursed with a pig's snout and have been hidden by the overly-controlling, psycho-never-satisfied person of a mother. All i know is that that type of mother do exist. i'm not saying that my mum is. but to a certain extent, mums are like that. only in this story she is exaggerated. Mums want what's best for their children. very few mothers, resent their children and never in their slightest would dream of hoping for the worst, well, then they shouldn't even be called mothers but MONSTERS.
The problem is even though your family members have the right and good intention and say things to you.... you can't help the way you might react to these things. especially when there are other events in your so called dramatic life that affect your mood. and mine swings like a gorilla on a tree.
That's why you search for souls that connect with you. that have something in common. everybody is actually alone in this world so we create bonds to help us make it through. Sadly, as it ends and we enter the after world - i know some of you don't believe in it - we begin a new life there and we wont know who our families are. who our lovers were. we start again as separate entities. *sheds tears*
while watching the movie just now, Penelope said,
'I felt a thousand heart breaks rush over me...'
It's got me thinking. what can break my heart so badly that i'd feel that way..? the fact that life will end someday somehow. today, another friend's father passed away. She was a highschool mate. although i wasnt close to her, i need not the closeness to feel her pain. If you ever come across this Sarah Ramli. I got your back. Stay strong.
Today, i had a wonderful day with you. It was those few blissful moments that i know when i look into your eyes, i can actually tell you really like me. I don't know anything about love. I don't know how real true love is but i know what i feel for you is real. I never knew what is it that i own or have or what trait that's built in my genetic code that you love so much. but thank you for being the person who loves me no matter what. yes we have our ups and downs and keeping count of the days that we love each other is not our routine. it seems like ive known you for quite a long time. although there is so much that i need to know about you, yet you say i already know inside out. please... if our destinies are already written out for us and there's a time where we have to part, promise me that you'll remember me. thats the most i can ask of you. I miss you.
I woke up feeling like crazp as usual and i opened my twitter account. fkkhalid replied to twiiter saying
fkkhalid @elishakhalid how cute
I didnt remember sayiing anything cute except that i pigged out at 12am so i scrolled. there it is...
It read:
elishakhalid hmmm.. I think i shud ask uk out today
The weird part is i didnt write it. i was still dreaming away about how micheal jackson called his caricature an animal looking cartoon! hah!
Well anyway, i've always envied my sister's hair. and i know she misses home cause her recent entry has her playing the song home by Micheal Buble. Ah.. i remember those times in perth but she's in Houston. for quite awhile now. You'll come home soon sweetness. will be waiting for u and we go eat the nasi lemak ive been telling you about. i swear its good!
Isn't she wonderful??*** face is cut to not reveal one's true identity.
Things havent been going great but it was bearable. every morning i'll drag myself to get ready and drive the forty-minute drive to bukit jalil just to be late for class. i search for the one person i wanna see. and concentrate on the lecture. at ten thirty i'll be free. Due to my lack of sleep, i'd zombie around looking for a quiet corner to get some sleep but most of the time you see a friend and a conversation entails. argh... sleep my ass!
Well, i know my blog isn't THE website worth ur surfing time. especially those who use the maxis broadband or 3g internet on the phone. But it is a place for me to put certain things out. today, this entry is dedicated to a few people that has made quite a significance in my adult life. putting immediate family aside....
I am happy most of the time but when I'm going thru my PMS everything bad happens at once. Its not that i ask for it. I don't. I swear. I try and see the btter side of things exactly like how i would deal with negative aura. Usually, i'd just brush it off. But lately, things are not what it seems. i keep thinking of living in the past. or thinking about the future. never once, not once did i think about my present. the current, non-motivating, reality. I remain in the fiction of my mind.
Of the many things that i realise :
My command of english has deteriorated immensely and i'm ashamed of it.
I'm eating like crazy and have not thought of stopping or start working out to burn all the extra calories.
I get easily annoyed when some talk about studying. and I'm doing very little of it.
My prayers have gone down the drain.
**The last on the list, i suspect, is the main reason why i have been feeling uneasy and not able to sleep. If im in school i have time to pray but when im at home i dont. what the in the name of heaven's have happen to me? atleast it should be the other way round. i put notes all around me to remind myself numerous times each day.
I'm up. at a quarter to four in the morning because i can't get a shut eye. it's really getting on my nerves since i am easily tired due to my weight gain. i cant breathe. i'm not obese i assure you but this change in me is quite drastic and i'm not liking it one bit yet i can't bring myself to go with the change. and i stay up at night staring at the empty ceiling thinking of plans and waiting for a miacle to happen.
Moreover, i have been using so much of the letter I, I'm beginning to think that with this new gain weight and shit stuff i have turn into an unrecognizable person. after i eat i think about how guilty i am then my gag reflex with initiate. Fears that i might turn bulimic once again is looming just around the corner. This will not happen to me again. no. I am stronger than this.
They say that people should accept you for who you are. but wouldn't that make you neglect who you are? atleast if ur a little bit conscious of what people is saying you will make yourself a better person. but dont ever believe those who say that ur fat till ur disgusting. those wretched souls are just lifeless individuals who never realise their own mistakes and doesn't know where to draw the line.
Putting that aside for now : BEYONCE IS COMING TO TOWN AND I CANNOT WAIT MY BRAINS OUT!!!! ARGH!!1 IM UP AND LISTENING TO HER SONG. SWEET DREAMS. but i still cant sleep.this is not right at all! i need to read more to upgrade my pathetic vocabulary. B is my idol. she is gorgeous successful and has a man. ehehe. i wish i bought better seats to her coming concert. anyone going? you're gonna miss an experience of mind-blowing life if you go. buy ur damn tickets and i will see you!
Now my neck hurts. propped at an awkward angle on the bed to type this in the dark. I must be going out of my mind. maybe i should be miserable again. maybe just maybe i should rely on drugs for weight loss. and maybe.... i should try to catch a wink. this is madness. somebody help me.
I don't expect you to understand anything that goes on with my life as we live different lives. Not only i gave you options in you leading your life but I was ready to stand up with my own two feet and walk without you holding my hand. I don't need you next to me if you don't want to be there.
yes i want you heck i love you but if i know you can't be there for me or walk with me then don;t walk and complain then. and never never involve those who are dear to me. i may complain about those i love but never would i ever involve those you love in our arguments. asthough you betrayed my trust in confiding in you further using my words against me. Now i know how some would feel.
Really, it is not okay at all. of course i can put up a front and act asthough we're in good term but right now even seeing your face can make me cry. I am a strong willed woman with needs and wants. i won't cry atleast not now. (crying over titanic is different). i have my limits and i know you have yours. If you don't like it, leave it. If you want to do it then don't piss me off. It's okay for me to be piseed with myself but i never want to be HURT with what you say. I'm not in denial - you being a cold hearted person - but i don't want to see it. you are better than this.
Stop it, just STOP IT!!!!
The hard part of being a medical student is not the studying - that can be forced - but the practical that is applied when you actually and finally graduate. First you have learn all the theories, diseases and disorders and you can't just memorize them but also learn every pathogenesis, physiology and crap. Then you go to the skills centre to gain some skills from the ever-changing experts who are going to give you different lessons that probably wouldnt help you in exams and confuse you at the end of the day. This week is going to be tough. please sombody. end me the pain.
As i was sitting at a corner of the table of 12, i realize that i don't have much to say with a lot of people. especially gatherings.
I may be a crazy wild party goer but i can really sit back and relax minding my own business. Sometimes i wonder if im actually a loner.
On a brighter note, i studied today in starbucks and made progress. although little but still. i keep thinking of things that i want to do instead of planning the things that i need to be doing. Like J said, kosong. everything seems kosong.
i use to be able to compartmentalize my time and utilize it. where;s that discipline? it makes me hate internet and tv. iive got no one to blame but myself. i gotta get right back up.
To you. To him who has stuck by me for years. This song is reserved for you. I may or may not know you are. But please. This explains the feeling that i feel.
I'm so in love
I´m still in love
I never met love quite before
Until I saw your face
And watching stars without u
My soul cries
My hething heart
Is full of pain
When we´re apart
Be aching
I´m kissing u
Oh
I´m kissing u oh
U´re my father, u´re my soldier
U protect me
Boy u save me
U´re my best friend
U´re my husband
U are my doctor, counselor, provider, professor, my everything
And I love u, I love u, I love u, yes I love u
I, I need u, I need u, I need u
I can´t live without u
I trust u, I trust u with every ounce of me
Just teach me boy teach me just take me
When we make love I can feel all your spirit
Deep inside of me yea
Baby u´re so pure oh
I´m kissing u forever and ever and ever
I love kissing u, kissing u, kissing u
I love everything about u baby
It´s been so many years since we fell in love
U got something special baby
We can cry together
We can grow together
Be ourselves togeteher
And I love u
More than music
Yes I love u more than music
I rather be kissing u oh
I´m kissing u oh
Kissing u
Kissing u
Okay, once again i think i need a personality check. the conclusion of today is MEN stay the hell away from me. I hate the drama in a relationship, i hate the bickerings, i hate the cyclic arguments and i definitely hate the feeling of hopelessness in this so called unconditional love. im not ready for this yet i dive everytime something comes. i tell myself to be very careful yet i fall into my own trap.
feelings..... they suck. yes there is a better side of it but this feeling where u 'feel' u need someone, 'feeling' that someone is not enough. why the hell do we have this feeling? i know this is just my pms talking an my entry isnt going to be organized or coordinated. i'm just gonna splash the feelings that come up from this chest! *roar!!! beats chest primitively* and to top it all of... i dont need it when im doing things to built my career. the foundation of my future. i told myself not to dwell in this drama. but hell, it creeps. its even nothing serious. just the damn 'feeling'!!!
Exams are coming up and ur told to focus. im wide awake and he has no trouble sleeping *metaphorically* this may not make sense to you readers. i apologize. women who have goals in life and strive to be better are known for their failure at love or struggling. which ever way that makes you feel better but they, who ever they are come up with bullshit like follow your heart. life is too short enjoy it. don't ignore what the heart wants. follow your instincts. those who created these phrases should have their asses kicked. period.
i try and put up my best behaviour.
i try and not trouble you too much.
i try to make u happy.
i try to make things easier.
i try free your mind of any guilt.. well this i dont try but rather the opposite. but still.
all i want is a phone call that makes me smile like how i know you can. i have it in you. i complain a lot. u have never complained about it. sometimes my tone come out wrong. and you say im annoying as i always say you are. you say u miss me but when i call to complain about something you sound nonchalant. and when i start acting up 'merajuk' you never fail to fail me... you say at times you dont know what to do and ask me to tell u what to do. when i do......... the next time it happens you should be more prepared. what the hell is the matter with men? why do we have to spell it over and over again for them? dont they have memories for this? memory belajar ada.
like ive said before. if you dont find me interesting then leave. ur always the one to easily throw things away and not remember it the next day. whats worse is you say that everytime we part and you have plans i start acting up. i was acting up because i had a headache and u didnt understand it. i dont give a shit if ur going out. im always cold to u when i merajuk but u know i just need somebody, you specifically, to cheer me up again. not be angry at me. dont ever put out fire with gasoline. bodoh.
you're always seeing it asthough these things, these bouts happen all the time. everytime there is something going on in our lives separately. asthough i needy. asthough i dont have a life and i start bothering with yours. what you dont realise is these episodes happen only when im nearing my menses. its called a menstrual cycle. of course it comes time and again. u learnt about it. im sure u remember these scientific things. dont mind me. im fine by myself if i know you no longer have interest. you fail to see that when this comes all you have to do is smile and endure me. i use to have a list of criteria for the man of my dreams but it threw it away knowing i have you. and i dont expect you to fulfil anything or any prophecies but please... i just need hugs and kisses and sweet words.
