Story of A Goddess

I am happy most of the time but when I'm going thru my PMS everything bad happens at once. Its not that i ask for it. I don't. I swear. I try and see the btter side of things exactly like how i would deal with negative aura. Usually, i'd just brush it off. But lately, things are not what it seems. i keep thinking of living in the past. or thinking about the future. never once, not once did i think about my present. the current, non-motivating, reality. I remain in the fiction of my mind.

Of the many things that i realise :
My command of english has deteriorated immensely and i'm ashamed of it.
I'm eating like crazy and have not thought of stopping or start working out to burn all the extra calories.
I get easily annoyed when some talk about studying. and I'm doing very little of it.
My prayers have gone down the drain.

**The last on the list, i suspect, is the main reason why i have been feeling uneasy and not able to sleep. If im in school i have time to pray but when im at home i dont. what the in the name of heaven's have happen to me? atleast it should be the other way round. i put notes all around me to remind myself numerous times each day.

I'm up. at a quarter to four in the morning because i can't get a shut eye. it's really getting on my nerves since i am easily tired due to my weight gain. i cant breathe. i'm not obese i assure you but this change in me is quite drastic and i'm not liking it one bit yet i can't bring myself to go with the change. and i stay up at night staring at the empty ceiling thinking of plans and waiting for a miacle to happen.

Moreover, i have been using so much of the letter I, I'm beginning to think that with this new gain weight and shit stuff i have turn into an unrecognizable person. after i eat i think about how guilty i am then my gag reflex with initiate. Fears that i might turn bulimic once again is looming just around the corner. This will not happen to me again. no. I am stronger than this.

They say that people should accept you for who you are. but wouldn't that make you neglect who you are? atleast if ur a little bit conscious of what people is saying you will make yourself a better person. but dont ever believe those who say that ur fat till ur disgusting. those wretched souls are just lifeless individuals who never realise their own mistakes and doesn't know where to draw the line.

Putting that aside for now : BEYONCE IS COMING TO TOWN AND I CANNOT WAIT MY BRAINS OUT!!!! ARGH!!1 IM UP AND LISTENING TO HER SONG. SWEET DREAMS. but i still cant sleep.this is not right at all! i need to read more to upgrade my pathetic vocabulary. B is my idol. she is gorgeous successful and has a man. ehehe. i wish i bought better seats to her coming concert. anyone going? you're gonna miss an experience of mind-blowing life if you go. buy ur damn tickets and i will see you!

Now my neck hurts. propped at an awkward angle on the bed to type this in the dark. I must be going out of my mind. maybe i should be miserable again. maybe just maybe i should rely on drugs for weight loss. and maybe.... i should try to catch a wink. this is madness. somebody help me.